Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Interstitial Cystitis Woes

"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living."

Jonathan Safran Foer

Right now, my body is literally controlling my life and I find myself straining under the weight of it all. From the missed workouts, Starbucks in the morning, spur of the moment travels, and desire to seek out new employment opportunities the things that once spurred me along, rejuvenated me, and inspired me are no longer the same. There are so many lives I want to be living, but right now I am here. In this body. Living this life. Trying to make the most of it. Trying to reinvent my life and find new opportunities and passions that will motivate, inspire, and make me feel like I am living an important life on this Earth. I'm attempting to refuse to put limits on my life, yet also be realistic about what I am physically able to endure. I think I am able to endure anything. But in my darkest moments, it's hard to believe that. But I have to. However, by forcing these lives I want to live, I don't want the hard work and stress to cause more suffering. It's a catch 22. I feel like I am missing out on so much and I am straining beneath it all, but am not sure how much to push myself. Should we accept our limitations in life or should we never put limits on ourselves no matter what we are going through? Should we accept where God has us now and not force things we know may not be best or healthiest for us or should we trust that God will  get us through no matter what we choose to do? That is where I am at in this moment. On this day in time. Am I strong enough to handle more? Am I able to let God be my strength? Sometimes, I don't know. But I truly pray I am. I want to be fearless in life more than anything! To take on new challenges without fear - no matter what my body says. To not fear anything or anyone. To fill my life with people, places, and experiences that inspire others. To show love and compassion and be a heart changer in the world. I don't talk about what I am going through much, but I do want people to be aware in case they think I am rude/lazy/wimpy/weak/etc. so they know there may be more going on beneath the surface than what they see everyday. If you could throw a heartfelt prayer my way I would appreciate it.

X, A!

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